i am struggling a bit with the thought that when i move, i will be shifting boxes of almost untouched materials.

i am not ready to say i will never be strong enough to paint again…but it doesn’t feel very likely to become easy again in the next couple of years. after three and a half years, i still dislocate my clavicle really easily, and painting and hanging work are two of the areas almost guaranteed to put my collarbone out.

i certainly can’t paint with the stiff/opaque oilbars. so perhaps i will offer them on gumtree. i would hate them to dry out without being used.

i had a conversation recently where i could see someone’s grief at losing his freedom of movement, and i felt very tearful, as losing my freedom to create is as challenging for me, as that was for him. i always wanted to be an artist, and it was a long and hard journey to getting to paint. the fatigue of fibromyalgia is one thing, but the weakness seems to be another, in terms of grieving losses. to now lose painting seems impossible – surely if i just tried harder, pushed more? but that is part of what has got me here, always pushing to keep going.

and at the same time, i AM pushing to keep going, to find the ways of maintaining a creative practice that don’t leave me wiped out and in burning pain. and looking at the boxes of unusable materials is demoralising. unused materials can be a feast of inspiration, or a nag, or tat to dust, but unusable…i think they need to move to a new home.

allow the change to come, keep on growing….

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