i am very happy today, i’m preparing to try a new approach, a bit fearful too, as the piece that has come to me to make feels very revealing. it ‘s strange, i can make pieces about surviving violence and abuse and not feel as nervous as i do about a piece affirming my positive gifts. i have a really strong backbone about how hard i’ve worked to recover and i’m particularly good at defending survivors and victims and re-setting the boundaries when someone is blurring or abusing a situation; i can break their glamour. but that seems to be separate from stepping forward for myself, as ‘me’. this seems to be at the centre of my agoraphobia, and is certainly at the core of what i am healing from in this lifetime. a lot of people have tried to make me invisible, and sadly, one of them is me – as a preemptive strike to make myself ‘safer’, but all the same…i can say i am cool quite easily, but loveable…ooh, hard!

so, what has brought this on? well,  i am trying to break through some of the core beliefs i feel lie behind my agoraphobia and fibromyalgia. btw, this is strictly about me, i’m not talking about anyone else’s experience of those conditions. yesterday i took my first ‘dose’ of  flower essences, i used the instructions on the elf light essences website to choose the remedies and they came on friday. i have been feeling restless in my making this last week, knowing an art ‘thunderstorm’ is brewing, and last night it crystallised, with a sense of the piece i want to make, and realising i will feel very vulnerable if i show it. i have been invited to be part of a group exhibition in a few weeks and the temptation is to make this piece for that deadline. so i must be firm that i have lots of other work available, particularly gaia’s guardians, which i want to hang  better, with better pictures. so i need to step away from pressuring myself to not just make this new piece, but to exhibit  it.

i pulled a sacred gardens card (elizabeth murray, pomegranate publishing)  to help with the process – MOSAIC came up, with the guidance “What fractured parts of your life need to be made whole with love and acceptance?  Try creating something meaningful from bits and pieces/patchwork/mosaic/etc”

well, the piece i want to make is inspired by the stamped words i was preparing for a quote album, lots of words printed letter by letter, on scraps of paper stained with brusho…very beautiful scraps….and woven machine cords i have been working on lately, woven through a wire mesh…so that is definitely pieces making a whole…as i was visualising it, i realised it follows on from a college piece i made called thorn garden, which had lots of printing embossed with metallic powders, behind gilded wires…and connects to a piece called cradle for stones i’m still making components for. where it gets hard is affirming  not the strength of what has been broken, but the beauty that has always been there and remains. in a way, i do this with all my work, the frayed edges and scored/scarred surfaces, the bringing together of unlikely combinations so that most people respond with ‘oh, how beautiful!’  with a surprised edge, because of the visible ‘damage’….but still, this felt a challenge too far and very definitely revealing on a personal level. perhaps because of the text? i prefer complete abstraction because representation allows so much room for transmission error, abstraction seems to translate straight into the viewer’s own vocabulary.

so hopefully some pictures soon, of what is coming together 😉

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