Discussing paint rapture and music making with a friend yesterday, we got into some interesting stuff, how sometimes your best thing becomes super difficult/impossible and what tangles that makes in everyday life when you try to make it still happen…First, doing the favourite thing at a lesser level is ok when you know and it is understood that this is your best thing but at a lesser level, but how painful it can become when other people mistake this for your best thing. Thereis the personal pride in what you do well – NOT to be confused with ego/grandiosity ( everything I do is fantastic)  or the elitist/ snob/ put down merchants and the ouch of people taking you for one of those ego maniacs. But we decided that was a red herring a lot of the time, that the real cause of the discomfort is the gap, that you are missing what is integral to you, what makes you,YOU (if you see what I mean 😉 ) and that going against your integrity is what causes the friction. And being out-of-integrity with yourself can make you really vulnerable to more tangles! Getting manipulated into doing stuff you don’t really want to do, because it has an echo of the lovely thing you miss most, and surely a slice of bread counts when you are so hungry…but that is the tangle! Is this a slice of the loaf (ie a smaller portion of the same thing) or is it a piece of cardboard with bread written on it?

It’s really important to know the difference and to have a place, where, in whatever percentage of previous output, you still have that slice of bread.

And then the tangles dissolve, because the cardboard is fun cardboard, but you don’t try and eat it 😉

So how to find the thing that is the real thing, NOT at a lesser level, but still possible in spite of….compromised energy spoons/ physical disability/ society still expecting (and remember you are an individual of that society, with the same expectation internalised in you) the real thing to be presented in loaf form, not slice form? (still with me, peeps? phew! you’re good! 😉 )

Some things may just not be possible, but lots more just require thinking round in a new way…be very careful before you dismiss a situation as impossible. From my own life, in 1988 I fell over and broke my wrist in two places (Colley’s fracture, medics still ask to hold my wrist when I tell them :/ ) and after 5 plasters in 6 weeks and 3 months of physio I was told there was nothing more to be done unless I wanted them to re-break it, with a 25% chance of improving it…and I was left with a wrist I couldn’t lie flat on a counter, I couldn’t put my palm out flat enough to safely take change in a shop…and I had to leave the printing for textiles small business course I was on, because I couldn’t hold a squeegee for screen printing. End of story. Er, no actually…I went to North Korea to speak on prevention of ‘sexual’ violence (World Festival of Youth and Students for Peace, Democracy and Freedom, in North Korea? ahem…) and because I had an allergic reaction to the treatment for the allergic reaction to the treatment for (no, that’s NOT  a typo!) the cholera jab I didn’t need getting infected….I was given electrical acupuncture at the Hospital for Foreigners, she spotted the Colley’s fracture, said oh we’ll treat that too, and got me from 10% normal range to 40-50% normal range of movement. Then in 2001 I broke some more bone cement and then in 2007, fell on the allotment (I am a much fallen woman!) and broke yet more bone cement and now, I can use a squeegee. Well except now I have fibro, but there was a window where I could 😉

But you know what? You don’t have to do it that way anymore.

They’ve invented technology so you can design a screen and print it via your computer or have such a short run of a design that you don’t need to hand squeegee anymore.

So…that forever death sentence to my screen printing was…wrong.

So now I can’t paint the way I loved (it puts my collarbone out every time…sigh) I have looked for the essence of what I was doing within [painting] and I think it’s [using my creativity to awaken people to pay attention to unexpected beauty] and that is my slice of bread. And as I have gone with learning new skills and staying open, I can see I [paint] most days, it is integral to my life…I definitely have much more of a loaf than I ever thought possible, I have a bakery(!!!) compared to what I feared after breaking my wrist. And it occurs to me, writing this, that it’s theoretically possible I could one day earn enough to pay for a chiropractic treatment after every painting session 😉 or get over the guilt of deliberately doing something to require a treatment when the chiropractor gives me the treatments for free…

And it’s definitely worth taking the time and spoons to plan out how to have an exhibition on my terms, rather than the pieces of cardboard with bread written on I was accepting till 18months ago and am possibly being tipped towards again…no a taste of honey is better than none at all, but a taste of white sugar beet invert sugar is just…not…

And I hope that the music maker will find the sound scape composition or computer technology or whatever shape [music making] will take while tinnitus and chronic fatigue prevent music making…so that cardboard can be fun, not frustrating 😉